the only thing i have to deal with now is the fact that i'm still wearing spandex shorts from last night
Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
He sent me a pic stitch collage of all the tit pics I had sexted him this month. It was so sweet!
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
They were supposed to legalize it when there was a chance someone might actually propose to me. I'm appealing this bullshit.
Somehow my family started talking about sex toys at breakfast.
I pay 3K a month for rent, yet last nite I broke into the back of my building, scaled over 2 tons of garbage in heels and took a dirty freight elevator to my floor just so my doorman wouldn't see how fucked up I was
U know ur prob on camera right?
I’m not spending 14 dollars on a margarita unless it’s rimmed with cocaine... actually do you have a blender?
honestly, you deserve someone taller anyways
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