On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
The musician playing at the bar just puked inside his acoustic guitar, then sang an encore performance. I love Louisa!!!!
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I woke up wearing a lax pinnie under my shirt, a triathlon medal, and a dora backpack... I think I had fun
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Naked. naked and bneed help.
Well. At least he's a gentleman. A gentleman satanist.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
I just showered and shaved both ankles and one knee because that's the skin that's exposed in the jeans I'm wearing today. Please tell me I'm not the only one who does that.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
Just don't do anything stupid
i did a stupid sorry
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
I'm assuming you were here at some stage because I woke up alone, clean and in a towel with mum asking my why my shoes, dress and jewellery were in the bottom of the shower.
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Randomize
