Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Well, it's hard to say. Last night he puked a perfect circle around him on the floor, and then sat in it insisting it would protect him from the smoke monster. He's was still there last time I checked.
I feel like all of the victims from Seven. Best birthday weekend ever.
My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand
Almost to work. And still feel hungover. Like my body is trying to regenerate after dying. Full on zombie shit. But like, one of those zombies from warm bodies that comes back to life slowly.
So our annual Dick Trip has been tentatively scheduled for the week of July 1 - 5. This years theme is "Fucking for Freedom".
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
strip teases shouldnt end with an expensive car covered in salsa and mayonnaise yet here we are
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
It was a tough decision either lay in bed or go to work and lay in the stockroom
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
I feel really sorry for my toilet right now
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