If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore
just took batteries out of my vibrator to play wii guitar hero. think i am gonna regret that move later tonight.
You deserve yourself a blunt and a build a bear.
woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
So I saw the nuva ring just lying on the counter at Planned Parenthood...did u know it's just a ring? I could go to the Dollar tree buy a plastic bracelet and shove it up there instead.
You do that. Then go have lots of unprotected with your harem of booty calls and see how that works out for you.
I brought some guy back to have cheese whiz with me. Then sent him home
Was he satisfied?
No, and very vocal about it.
If I get to the point of singing Man of Constant Sorrow then please god let me do it, record it, then cut me off.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
I was hooking up with this girl last night and she's on top of me with "Flux Pavilion - I can't stop" grinding in the background and I thought "Holy shit I'm going to do a lot of Molly this semester."
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
After an hour of searching for my pants, we had three people looking. They were finally found in the oven.
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
That confirms what we've all known all along. I'm a bad gay. I have no fashion sense.
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