How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.
You guys better make it up to the cabin in time for mud wrestling on Saturday. I'm not kidding. You know when I joke, and now is not one of those times.
Woke up handcuffed to a half gallon of beam. Yep. This is my life.
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Im so excited to get permanently banned for life from all the old bars again, it is gonna be christmas after all
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
I'm pretty sure the guy in front of me at Walmart doesn't have good plans. It's one am he is buying a flash light and black bandanna
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
You are a genius and a whore.
I just slammed a bottle of white wine before I came to Whole Foods so basically I'm just training to be a middle aged white woman.
Who put my cat in the fridge?
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