I just walked by a homeless man reading the money section of USA Today...
The nice sales man at 711 gave me a handful of free lighters for buying a carton of cigarettes. I guess the depressed damsel in distress look works for me.
Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
She literally just cut half her hair off because she's tired of asking someone to hold it back when shes drunk and puking.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
Last night must have been awesome because I went to get in the shower only to find the bat symbol drawn on my chest
That happened during battle shots lol
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
He invites me over for to adderall and chill. Academic Tuesday
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
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