He disabled his match.com account in front of me
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid
Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you
Bonus points are bonus points regardless
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
I just thought I should tell you that I always know what you are doing. Everywhere. Every time. -Your loving Mother
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