sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
my sex list reads like a who's who of mcdonald's general managers
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
Just so you know, my new pet parrot tried to bond sexually with me today. That is what Google told me. I'm not sure of its gender.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
we broke the bed, curtan rods, a dresser drawer, and unless I didn't notice it before, we put a hole in the wall. This is why he and I have to fuck in motels.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
The girl I was Skype sexing just asked for a moment of silence for robin Williams.
Come over here. Bongs and porn. I found the promised land
Randomize
