hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
i just woke up i smell like fire, i have bruises on both knees and one elbow, i have a lighter and nip of smirnoff blueberry in my bed, rug burn on one hip and about 12 pics of you and me on my camera-this needs to stop happening
yea ive got to shower which is going to be painful given the skin burns from the blowup obstacle course races last night
We need to rekindle our bromance
I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.
Drunkasaurus has found a new cave to eat all the children she captured
I need to get you away from Bacardi 151 and out from under the bed
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.
Im part way to drunk.
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
