i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
............HELP Ive been abducted by vodka and its poisoning my brain fat chicks are getting cute and i slept with my sisters friend who slightly resembles john kerry....,,help
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
They told you that you couldn't fit in the dryer. Man, did they eat their words. You did brake the door though.
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
Tomorrow after you go to the library to look up gay porn, I'm going to come to your apartment to paint a nude portrait of you. Get pumped, plopernickle.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
VIVE LA RESISTANCE
Oh god, what now?
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
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