question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
Thanks for letting me in last night. I was drunkenly sleepwalking.
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
You came into my room and started rubbing a banana on your face.
I fell asleep in the tanning bed, naked, for an hour and a half and I guess they couldn't wake me up so they called the fire department...and they came in while I was passed out naked...
Can I chase this vodka with an onion?
He's got a beautiful penis, I can't lie
Why did I not realize how important my fridge was till I was drunk. It keeps all my food cold its like my own cold box
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
Well, I like big penises but it's not like he walks around with it out or anything so yes I think he has beautiful eyes
Yeah everywhere i go i feel like a 3rd or 5th or (2n+1)th wheel. That's right, i'm a mathematically depressed drunk.
Relationship goals: we both wore red underwear tonight. Except he won’t know because my bra been off but it’s the thought that counts I guess.
Randomize
