bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
A university police officer just hhigh fived me when i drunkenly stumbled into Aderhold. Fucking 5 o'clock somewhere.ITS IN CASABLANCA RIGHT NOW! TIME ZONES!
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.
So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
If a raisin and a desert had a bastard child that would be the inside of my mouth right now
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
somehow getting chased by a bulldozer was NOT on my to-do list for today. just saying
I just used my sisters cheerleading plaque and a children's book to crush up painkillers to snort. Happy Friday
Lol, maybe a little bit. I don't know. I don't keep a super keen memory log of dicks honestly.
Randomize
