I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
just smash crush and snort whatever we can get our paws on
I knew I fell for you for a reason
Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone
It's been five and a half years since she and my brother stopped dating. I feel like that's a long enough grace period. Going for it.
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
Btw... when someone is licking your balls, "yeah... that's not the worst thing in the world" is not an appropriate compliment/thank you.
Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist
No it'll be my boobs and the luge part will be from my nipples. Everyone will be sucking beer from my perfectly sculpted and partially melted tits.
I was at a hookups house and peed in his sink so I wouldn't wake up his mom... drunk me is on a different level
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
I just found a live peacock hanging out behind the bar. I coerced it into my car and now I have a peacock bro that lives with me.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
