i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure
i cant believe jose lima did steroids
apparently the kind that make you shitty at baseball
It feels like I shit a light bulb that shattered on the way out.
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
As I was about to go to sleep he asked me if I was ready to 69. HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK AT HIM IN THE FACE OVER DINNER TOMORROW
Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.
My night just got really weird. In a sit down stall bathroom at this nice resturaunt and this guy walks in as I rip a humongous porcelain-splitting fart. Well, I hear him stop for a second. He then opens the door to the stall next to mine, sits down and says, "player two has entered the game."
Did you win?
I'm pretty sure I just smoked a chunk of cat food. Thought it was something else. No reply needed.
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
havent showered in 2 days. just Febrezed my balls in the car before going into a movie alone with a 40 of Guinness.there isn't a word in English for how single I am.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
Randomize
