You better get here soon. I'm about to spend $30 on a cactus online
Sometimes I wish I could peel his face off and use it to take all the money out of his account.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
You know you have done too many drugs when you gum the sugar off your margarita without even thinking twice
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Things I have learnt this week: bubble mix is toxic. Extremely toxic.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
The REAL engagement ring is the jeweled butt plug.
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