Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..
Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.
I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.
tell her thanks so much
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Grandma is giving me marriage advice again. On the plus side, she thinks I'm straight now.
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Idk if I want to put a bra on
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
