new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
She was giving me that "well this is awkward since you drunkedly tried to hook up with me" look.
Yeah. I had to take off my shirt. It's soaked in weakness.
In other more interesting news I'm going to arrange a surprise orgy. You in?
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
If I had a dollar for every straight boy that questioned their sexuality because of me, I would live a comfortable middle-class life.
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
You act like tequila is some sort of sex juice
She meowed at me. Repeatedly. Then she asked what was wrong with me because I didn't understand her.
Good morning 7am walk of shame. It's been awhile.
Randomize
