Do you still have your period?
Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
Balcony sex scratched the shit out of my phone. Whups.
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
I'm using my breathalyzer result sheet as a coaster for my 40.
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Just had my first american. He tasted like freedom.
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
she said that no one there was hot enough for her so she then proceeded to give the passed out person a lap dance because he was "her type."
Just found a pair of vomit-soaked socks in my purse, three days after the party... Now I know why my wallet was wet.
Randomize
