Fuck, operation next sex victim is on as soon as i get back. Do not sleep with that red head, nobody likes accidental ginger babies.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.
Tell me you remember me getting a tampon from the girl throwing up in the next stall
She walked in on her brother jacking off and she hasn't been the same since. She's been crying and shaking non-stop. It's been two weeks.
I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
Appearently I went across the hall last night demanding to ride my neighbors moose... How much did I drink?
Mom says you're allowed to come home if you replace the towels. I don't want to know why.
Randomize
