haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??
savin' lives aint cheap
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.
HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Do u remember giving me permission to fuck ur dad and then getting super pissed at me when i said ew?
Just keep in mind that she didn't start telling you you had the largest penis she had ever seen until AFTER she found out about your multi-million-dollar trust fund.
So I just got drugs from a house with a giant cross on it. Thank you, Jesus.
I've been to his house multiple times since that night and I STILL can't find my bra. And he says the hot tub ate my thong.
Did you clean his pubes up off the table yet?
I'm literally spending $165 to fly to Arizona to have a sex road trip coming back
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Randomize
