i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.
compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It was like watching Stephen Hawking try to swim.
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm beginning to think the only reason I get laid anymore is girls are fantasizing sleeping with my dad...
Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away
he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.
I ended up in a bathroom giving my hymen a pep talk
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
Thanks for taking care of me. I hope I didn't pee in your car.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
She came home, put on the news, left a 20 minute drunk message on her friends machine, then proceeded to play back the entire message laughing hysterically and then just passed out
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
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