And I just remember seeing him for the first time and being like, who is this ape of a man? Like legit he could be the missing link
i want to fuck
?
it's pretty self explanatory
I just ate an adderall and jelly sandwich in front of my mom. Homework time!
I walked up to a girl in a bar, and all I was capable of doing was taking my beer and bumping it up to hers. While doing so, all I could say was "Bud Light". She walked away.
you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms
he just made me do "this little piggy" to his toes.
this is not real life
it never is. after midnight never counts.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Stop fucking Sharon's exes.
Sorry it took me so long to reply. I was fucking Sharon's ex.
There is a pool of ranch salad dressing in my purse...I know thats always been something you've wanted to try..so don't even act like you didn't do this.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how good of an idea would it be to pregame at the airport right now
Ten
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
Randomize
