Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
All you have to do is speak. Your voice reverberates strait to my vagina.
So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
He's over here like "remember those pics you sent me a couple years ago? Those were hot." And I'm like "remember talking about what we were gonna name our kids a couple months ago? That was hot." Therein lies the disconnect
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
Welp just ran into my high school history teacher while buying a pregnancy test...there goes my veil of innocence in this town.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
Randomize
