How wet are you?
Ever heard of a U-boat?
I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
I cant even remember his name or what he looked like. all I remember is what the tattoo on his forearm looked like.
well, he kindof looked like a walmart greeter. I tried to stop you
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
I just got peed on. This karma circle is starting to get vicious.
I fucked her wearing an American flag. Now here I am, awake, naked, and flag less. How do I report this to the police?
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
I should have made a run for it. Seriously who calls the cops on themselves and goes to jail. ...on a Monday.
He broke up with me because "we're at different points in our lives" I think it's because he saw a drag queen with their hand halfway down my pants
Oprah Winfrey is a jealous, vengeful god
You're going to hell! And you're going to hell! And you! And you. You're all going to hell!!!
So that prostitue I banged at Steve's bachelor party just texted and invited me to a BBQ at her parents. Never again doubt the power of the cock piercing.
i don't find him as attractive when he's dressed as himself...bring back Indiana jones and I would so fuck him again
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
Just keep me informed about your plans. That way i can figure out places to go and if i need to shave my balls
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