guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
so im in the parking lot of taco bell eating a taco...and some girl just got out of a car and screamed at the top of her lungs "XANEX FOR SALE!!!!" i fucking love Hamilton.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
BTW car sex works all the muscle groups. Just sayin. Legs/butt are sore as are arms, back and core.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
