remember that night jesus turned water into wine? DRUNKER.
I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.
We still going to Happy Hour
Idk. I can't because it doesn't fit in my schedule of sleeping or throwing up
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
Call me when you get up. This hang-over is like dismantling a bomb: I need someone to talk me through it.
I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?
She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.
Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.
We celebrated International Women's Day by spending $700 and taking our tops off at the strip club
The boys offered to pay but we went halfs because we're feminists
Dude. Stop sending me lines from Hungry Like the Wolf
I should not be so motivated by a penis, but I am
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
i believe in u and ur pee
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