He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
He is so sweet! He thanks me for sending him dirty pix. I should keep him.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Best thing she said after I kicked her out "rugby guys have single handedly ruined my faith in men"
I based a lot of our friendship on the fact that I thought you were crying from feeling so sad for me when I got crabs. I'm not sure if we can ever be as close now.
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
Well I smoked some weird shit and I think I peed on my phone.
I never thought my gollum impression would lead to me getting laid.
Huzzah!
There's something about a foam party that makes freshman want to turn their lives into full blown shit shows. And I'm ok with the fact I am one of those.
Randomize
