you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I have been thinking about it and I am really glad we decided to order helmets.
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
I'll even be awesome and bring pizza for your family, just as a "hey thanks for letting a stranger get trashed at your house" gesture.
It's not socially acceptable to be drunk in adult world. That fact makes me die a little inside.
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
A guy was over-the-skirt fingering me on the dance floor and I stopped him to sensually rap in his ear. So that was my Halloweekend
The dominoes guy came back thirty mins later to ask me out. I guess he figures if I'm eating pizza alone I must have gotten dumped
Was just told that I slept on the counter using a loaf of bread as a pillow. Clearly my life is going well.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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