I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka
the cocktail of hope
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?
Just found a pack of birth control on the corner of Oakland and Thomas, so if your desperate its up for grabs.
im in the library and there's this guy on a computer just staring at a google image of beer. finals week is rough.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
The lady at the Humaine Society gave me her nephew's number because I seem like a loving and caring person.
Does she know that each time you've adopted a new cat in the past year it's because some guy stopped fucking you and you don't want to eat your feelings?
She's got Mike in the bathroom. He's covered in meat.
Why is there cereal literally EVERYWHERE?
It didn't follow directions.
I just set my mike's hard down and didn't want it to spill, so I held my finger up and told it to shoosh. I'm drunk.
Randomize
