Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
sitting in room practicing taking shots. has my life come to this?
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I just did shots of fireball with my dad in a car wash. How's your pregaming going?
My friend asked me if I got home okay and I replied "Glad teat. Goodnight." Usually I can translate drunk me, but I'm even lost on that one.
He described his sex dream about me using only emojis
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm going to come in the middle of the night and attack you with spoons
Randomize
