are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
He drops f bombs like every other word and he just gave me 127 shares of tmobile stock for free. I feel like I should pay him back in blow jobs or something.
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
steve's beating me 4-2 in our "sexually confusing straight people" competition. steve is a wizard. this is not a drill.
He also wore a doorag last night so i had to swipe left.
so we just got back from swapping peoples patio furniture around to different patios. some people might like unexpected change. others might regret living on the ground floor.
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
