So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
I woke up naked by my window. blinds open. smiley face drawn on my window.
She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.
I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking
He said he wanted to see my room, not my womb. It's a common mistake.
Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Who knew that one of those cheesy light up equalizer shirts would be the light that all those drunk college girls gathered like moths around?
I was woken up in my old house by the new residents ... I don't even have a Key anymore
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Holy shit dude........stairs
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