you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog
do you not see the irony in that??
You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.
I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you
I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.
my roommate would be appalled if she knew how many times i've peed in the kitchen sink
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
Who wants to play the "pick up your shit from our floor because you're not paying rent or dating either of us" game?
Come over I need help. I just almost died in an acid flashback while listening to do You Feel Like We Do off of the Frampton Comes Alive album.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
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