I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
i'm crying at olive garden. i've hit rock bottom
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection
She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
Give me a reason to not spend the rest of my evening high watching dogs 101 videos
Stumbled across a pregnancy test in my closet. Oh, the freshman year flashbacks..
MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! I REPEAT, MEAN GIRLS IS ON NETFLIX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL! I LITERALLY NOW HAVE TO CANCEL ALL OF MY WEEKEND PLANS.
I just wanna get drunk in a castle. Is that so much to ask?
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
