Alex texted me. Bootycall boy #2. its like an alarm goes off once i'm single that the line is open again
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
One of my other friends found me and the dog in the back seat of this one guy's car....I don't even know
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Random thought: what if being devoured by animals was a death penalty option...and you got to choose the animal?
You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.
You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.
Doing coke by yourself isn't as fun. Even when you're watching a James Franco movie.
I've reached the last of the wine in my cup so now I have to sit up in my bed to get it through the crazy straw
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
Randomize
