Ok pretty sure I just saw Mike O'Malley walking through the parking lot. I wanted to see if I followed him, would he lead me to the acro-criag, i've always wanted a crack at that bitch.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
I just sniffled when I woke up and got a bump of coke. I have never felt so good hung over.
The doctor told me if I woke up with a broken foot and don't know how it happened, I might want to look into getting treatment.
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
I gave him shit for taking my sloppy seconds and when I woke up my eyebrow was gone
What we have is to special to throw away over a woman who spreads her butt cheeks on a pool table for me...
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
We were both too drunk to drive home. So we did it in the coat closet and then I walked home. 20/20 hindsight: Could have both walked to my apartment and then had sex there.
I just gave a fucking twenty minute blowiob.. I'm a GOOD girlfriend.
Don't come in. My door to my bathroom won't close because of the table and I'm pooping
Classy
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