walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.
I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
I wasn't vocally whispering "she wants to bite your dick off" about that kirsten girl was I?
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
Now just crop his dad out and add it to the spank bank.
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You microwaved all of my silverware, I don't care if you spent all your money on tequila, you're paying for this.
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
Randomize
