I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.
I just saw a hobo ride by on a unicycle. Good day.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
I woke up to my dog trying to clean my vagina.
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Sooooooo Your wife and your girlfriend are making cat noises at one another via text
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
i passed out in front of ihop...for the second night in a row. i think i need to reevaluate my life choices
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