i dont know, i woke up and he was going down on me. i guess i can save his number
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
Gotta get new sheets. ..I fucked the satin off mine.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
My actions are not mine. They are the actions of Patron.
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Got caught peeing in public. Sucks. It was a police station. Sucks worse.
yea so the plan to relive our college glory days was great and all but ending up in the er with alcohol poisoning was crossing the line
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
