A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
Dude, we're at Einstein's Bagels and the dude next to us is spreading cannabutter on his bagel.
You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I'm happy in my shell. My shell which consists of keeping guys in the friend zone and me masturbating...
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
woke up in the back seat of my car with a naked chick and my brother tapping on the window. yup, what a night
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
I'm pretty sure "good advice you would give to a freshman for achieving success" isn't constituted by introducing them to your addy dealer...
it is my civic duty to ensure the success of our youth.
I'm playing trivia and drinking margaritas so now is not a good time.
Apparently swingers are magnetically drawn to me?
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
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