Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
I literally just saw a campus policeman riding a Segway pull over a moving car. you should just give up.
K. On the way. I need a drink.
Like a drink drink or like water?
Have we met?
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.
3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.
He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible
well did you say yes?
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
I'll tell you that it involved a pair of pliers and a trip to the ER.
I demand a full explanation right now.
They were so sore! Either I have bed bugs or you were biting my nipples last night and don't lie to me.
Randomize
