It's pretty bad when the convenient store clerk can tell you that you're earlier than usual for visiting the store.
he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"
last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
I was puking in the bathroom when my fake tooth fell off of my retainer so I just walked out of the bar and didn't say goodbye to my date
You fucked that MILF against my car!
How would you know?
She scratched her name into my window with her bigass wedding ring. btw she wants you to call her
Felt so good this afternoon, figured I wouldn't have a comedown. Wrong. Just realized I've been staring at a wall for 40 minutes contemplating the color yellow.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
She took her panties off, then farted in my general direction. I guess we're at that stage in our relationship.
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
Yeah. I fucked her boyfriend, she knows, and she still wants to keep dating him. That's love.
I never thought I'd be on my couch watching Star Trek, getting my tits rubbed while crying.
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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