If I was on drugs, this would be amazing
look to my right... shes dancing like she's playing dance dance revolution and her character is a retarded, drunken moose
I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.
And we hooked up in the carwash. I told you our creative juices were flowing today.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
So our trip to Disney World ended in the three of us stripping at a gay club in orlando.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
I'm gonna send you a dick pic now just so your uncomfortable at work
I don't know bro. If a girl makes you cum hard enough that you pull a back muscle, she might be the perfect one to call for a massage on said muscle.
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
It probably doesn't matter because I'm drunk...but I'm sorry for getting you drunk, having you almost lose your place to live, all your friends, permanently lose your liver functions, throwing up on my floor, losing virginity...etc...mostly I'm sorry for making you watch: cabin in the woods.
The work outs are working. Someone just said my body type was “Tits On A Stick”.
Randomize
