last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
Turns out I'm like the Wayne Gretzky of hiding cum. Who knew?
Its way too early to be sitting naked at his dining room table...
He called me "the Joe Montana of blowies." Not sure if that is an accomplishment or an insult, but going off of the amount of condensation on the windows of my car, I'm gonna just do a little touchdown dance and pass out.
hahaha! you have a girlfriend
tell that to the new girl at work who i screwed on the washing machine today...
She said she never had to courage to go fully shaved. Since when did shaving your snatch become courageous?
Yes, I am watching The Hills Have Thighs. And yes it is a porno remake of The Hills Have Eyes. And, again, yes, lesbian sex in the desert. Get the sand out.
i have one question about last night
if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
Oh god. Just tried to hail a pizza delivery car. Awkward.
International sake day = success
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
Fun thought: I realized the thing I miss most about him is dixie kong's double trouble on his super Nintendo. It's possible that I don't have a soul.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
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