I figured girls wouldn't be down to sleep w/ a guy who plugged a pregnant chick
I think my favourite thing about cubicles is the fact that I can pick my nose at work
I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.
she just made a shot glass out of magazine paper. I love her.
Shit. Come in my room. Bring a trashcan and an icepack
I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
And then he said "if you were planning on bird feeding me that's not ok"
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.
Didn't get carded at the bar. We're getting wasted and then walking over to Bass Pro Shops to watch the indoor ducks swim around. And possibly buying a tent.
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
It's important to establish I slept with her BEFORE we officially became cousins-in-law.
My memory of last night is a delicious blur of tits, ass, and alcohol.
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
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