I wish I could test you the smell I just had to experience. It smelled like this lady was microwaving squirrel rectum.
Dancing like a fucking crazy person to jai ho with a snow ball in her hand. Snow days make her go nuts.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?
You'd think the neighbors would be used to grown men coming into my house drunk at 230 am.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
I'm sorry. I slept with him again. On the plus side he's got better at it!
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
