My lunch today consisted of going on the brewery tour with my boss. Free pretzels and two free beers.
I hate you.
To be fair, the beers are only 8 ounces each. So maybe you just kinda dislike me.
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I'm using the size of your dick as a guage to see how big something is on Amazon. Any questions?
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
Nothing says Merry Christmas like gifting a bottle of rum and finishing it yourself then leaning over at the dinner table to puke it back up.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
According to the arrest report, I shouted "no, YOU put some pants on" at the cop. Downhill from there.
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
Do you have Pokemon Go yet? I just caught a Clefairy on my walk of shame and feel way better about myself.
8 minutes into the New Year and and I've already sent a nude...new year, new me?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
gave out my moms phone number instead of mine last night... thattttttttttttttt dunk.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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