why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
he got up in front of the whole lecture hall and yelled that Charlie Brown's Christmas tree was his favorite book in the history of the universe. then he stumbled out the fire exit setting the alarm off. I could've jumped him right then and there.
You crawled everywhere and rolled in ice cream. No more vodka for a month.
Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
We went rollerblading down high street singing "Free Falling"in ketchup and mustard costumes. A car full of guys drove by and yelled out their window "Need a hot dog with that?!" Naturally, we woke up at their apartment.
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
well I tackled her when she was going to go upstairs because I was convinced that the house was haunted. You gotta stick together in horror movies.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
just had sex in the back of my high school auditorium #dreamcumtrue
you face planting the wall was epic
did you at least save my tooth
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