I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
why would she cut her hair? she needs all the distractions possible from those texas-sized gums and horse teeth.
We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
The dude we met that gave us weed sent me a video of his balls covering the sun like a solar eclipse
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
