Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
you think the cum will come out of moms black shirt?
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
You know you are bi when you flip between the NFL Network and LOGO.
they said he just opened the front of his shirt and threw up alll over himself
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion
I'm posted up in the bathroom at au bon pain, high as balls, experimenting with eyeshadow combinations and listening to 90s jlo. The girl in the stall next to me just plopped a big one and I laughed, hope I ruined her day
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
Is this the guy that did shots off my ass at the beach? Haha
Leave it to me to sleep w a guy who gets poison ivy on his dick
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