oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It was just a squirrel
You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar
That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.
I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
My liver is fucking rocky. Get knocked down 7 times and gets up 8. World champ
I need to buy fuckboy repellant for whenever I think it's a good idea to meet boys I found in tinder
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
He just said "I can't wait to penetrate you tomorrow" I sat in silence for a second...he attempted to save it by saying "I can't wait to enter you".
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